I had almost forgotten about this blog. Amazingly I logged
in today for the first time I nearly a year and I see that its still getting a
few views here and there. So I thought fuck it, why not fire this baby up again
with an update.
I’m happy to say that it has now been some time since I have
had a bet. How long has it been I hear you asking in anticipation? Bizarrely I’m
not entirely sure to be quite honest, I can probably find a way to check but I believe
its 61 days! Gasp in amazement. In that time I have finally made some inroads into
tackling my debts. It’s been hard, to be honest it kind of sucks and I feel
like I’m still being punished for all the bad choices and fuck ups I have make
over the last couple of years. I accept its an inevitable part of recovery but I’m
kind of done with it.
Trying to accept yourself and your life when you have made
such a mess of things of it is far more difficult than I had expected. I barely
think of gambling anymore, at least in that I haven’t really felt that urge at
all since my last bet. But at the same time my depression seems to be getting
worse to the point that I don’t really know where to go from here. Make no mistake,
I’m proud of myself for being able to stop finally. I wish it hadn’t taken so
long but I suppose that’s just the way it had to be. But I do wonder how much
longer I can go on existing this way. When you get to the point where you are
just existing and not living, and not enjoying your existence, it’s hard to see
the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Something along the lines
of “Cheer up you miserable bastard!” and you’re not wrong! Anyone who has or is
currently going through similar feelings will appreciate how hard it is to talk
about. How do you sit down with someone you care about and tell them these
things? Having done so in the past, the look on their faces is heartbreaking.
How can you do that to someone when you’ve already caused them so much pain in
the past?
Even here, to a bunch of strangers on a faceless blog I can’t
be entirely honest about how I’m feeling but it’s a start! I’ll keep coming back
here. One thing I have learnt about addiction is that you’re an addict for life
and complacency breeds relapses, and relapses breed…. Well lets not even go
there!
I hope you’re all having an amazing Gamble Free Wednesday!
CGR
