Just a Quick One

It's been 12 days now since my last bet and especially since opening up last weekend about the extent of my problems I've been feeling really positive. I've received a lot of positive and supportive comments from strangers where I've been posting my links and hearing stories from others who have conquered there demons which has been really awesome.

I think compulsive gamblers need a lot of support to help them get through their problems and I've found it particularly inspirational to hear from those who have managed to turn their lives around.

However these last few days I've been feeling that itch again. I fully expected to get that feeling sometimes still and I have managed to resist the urge but I wonder, how long does it take before you stop getting those temptations? I have read others say they stopped gambling and then were able to go back and bet responsibly again, but I don' think that will ever be me.

Gambling Debt - A Destructive Symptom

A seemingly inevitable part of a compulsive gambling addiction is financial difficulties. Many of us will have experienced the panic after having lost most or all of our wages within days or even hours of payday. Bills not paid, rent not paid, no money to get to work etc. It can feel like the only way to manage is to get in to debt, whether its credit cards, personal loans or the worst of them all, payday loans. I found myself in this situation many times, and the result has been just over £13,000 of debt racked up in 12 months. I still have to take a deep breath when I see that figure written down.

The problem with this is deeper than just how much money we end up owing. In my experiences so far trying to get my life back on track, its proved a huge obstacle, and it has fed my need, or at least my perceived need to keep on gambling hoping for that miracle hit that will get me back to where I was. Chasing a loss is a pretty good indicator of a problem gambler or being at risk of developing into one. If you chase £200 deposits when you lose because you’re a compulsive gambler, then how can you ever stop chasing a debt that runs into the thousands?

Debt has become a massive obstacle for me for other reasons. No one knew how bad it had become. Sure, my girlfriend knew I had money problems and that I have some debts, but nowhere near the extent that it really is. I felt that I needed to get my debts down to the levels everyone else thought they were in order to cover the months of lies and seclusion, and the only way I felt I could ever achieve that was to gamble.

Do you know what is really sad though? I have had sessions where I have won amounts significant enough to make a huge impact in my debts. The worst one was over a week of gambling where I had several huge hits and had turned £200 into nearly £5000, enough to clear close to half of everything I owed. And I spunked the lot up the wall in no time at all without ever seeing a penny of it hit my bank. I think that was the loss that has hurt most in my gambling career (odd thing to call it!). But I have come to the realisation that I would only have ever kept that money warm for the casino until they got it back. There is only one way that I will ever clear my debts and we all know what that is. Hard work and NO MORE GAMBLING!

One thing I know for sure is how much it has helped now my girlfriend knows everything. I wish I had been brave enough to tell her myself rather than her find out through other means but these things happen for a reason I guess. Not having to hide it anymore and not having to try and get it back before anyone finds out has removed a huge pressure from my mind and whether it is related or not, my gambling cravings have been much less than usual. Cautious Optimism!!

I think there is a pretty obvious lesson in here, one I probably already knew. If you truly want to change and put the gambling behind you, you have to confide in and accept the support of others, and that support is only meaningful if you know that you have been totally honest about your situation. No half truths, they only serve to keep you in that hole. Debt is both a symptom and a cause of problem gambling in so far as it keeps the self destructive cycle going. That cause needs to be tackled by having your finances monitored and controlled.

Easier said than done right? Absolutely! It takes a lot of courage to open up to people about how much you might be struggling. But it’s just so hard to deal with on your own. Until you are able to open up to your loved ones about it, there are some other people you can talk to.

Gamcare  -  Provide gambling therapy free of charge across the country, but also a phone service should you just need someone to talk to.

Gamblers Anonymous  -  A self help group run by other gambling addicts that hold weekly meetings in locations across the UK. This is one I haven’t tried myself but is something I think I’ll give a go at some point.

Step Change  -  A debt advice charity who can advise you on how to tackle your debts.

Another day another dollar! Er, maybe a bad choice of words! Just learning how to take this all one day at a time.

An Update - The Lies That Haunt Us

So yesterday got interesting. The one thing I couldn’t face the most was owning up to my girlfriend about how bad my debts had got. Turns out I didn’t need to, Barclaycard called when I was out playing golf to remind me that I had a late payment and she was in the house to hear the message. After some rummaging around through my letters she quickly learnt the extent of how bad they have gotten. I was swiftly called back home (in the middle of the greatest round of my life I might add) so we could hash it out.

She was mad obviously, but not really about the amount of debt but rather the fact I had been lying about it for months. She’s sticking with me though and I’m finally going to let her take control of my money until I get back on my feet.

What did I learn? I think one of the hardest parts of gambling addiction is being able to be honest with people about where we are with it. As a compulsive gambler you constantly feel like you’re struggling on your own trying to overcome your addiction. The last thing you want to do when you have just spunked hundreds or even thousands of pounds is go and tell someone what’s just happened. How can someone understand why you would do such a thing, especially when you can’t understand or rationalise your own actions.

Ultimately, keeping it all to yourself is really damaging to both your current wellbeing and your ability to start recovering. The guilt from repeatedly lying to people you care about only serves to keep you in the self-destructive cycle of gambling. It pushes you away from your loved ones and effects your relationships to the point where you become distant and withdrawn.

I feel lucky she found out sooner rather than later. I wish I had been strong enough to tell her myself, I got lucky that she found out herself (although after I was done tearing my way around the golf course would have been ideal!) and still wants to stick by me and support me. I feel better today than I have done in months. Strangely, I haven’t even thought about gambling today other than to write this. An enormous weight feels as though it has been lifted from my shoulders.

One whole week without gambling. There is still a lot of work to do and a long way to go, but every day is another victory.